The Puppy Speaks

The puppy doesn't know yet what The Lady wants. She's waiting for her instructions. The puppy needs to be given treats so she won't forget her instructions. Kibbles are nice, and bloody bones are perfect. If the puppy doesn't find out what to do soon, she'll forget entirely and wander off to get into some sort of mischief. When the puppy is happy, she BARKS! Arrarf! Waurf-arrarf! RrrrrAAARF! Here she is! Here's The Lady! The Lady! The Lady! She smells good. Does she have any treats? She has questions. She wants to get me to talk. She likes that.

 

Puppy! What tricks have you learned this week?

Tricks? I don't remember [laugh]. I forgot my tricks already. Did I learn tricks? What did I learn?

Naughty puppy, you know what tricks you've learned. We've been practicing for months and months.

Bark? Bark when you say?

Yep.

It's time for a new one. I know that one already.

Well if you know it, then show me.

[makes barking sound and growls]

Why are you growling, puppy?

[growls]

What do you call me?

The Lady?

And why do you call me that?

Because you are.

Can you describe the kind of puppy you are?

Scruffy mutt.

Are you very small?

Pretty small.

What's one your favorite things to do with me?

Jump on the bed.

Why do you like jumping on the bed, puppy?

Cause you go jump jump jump jump and you bounce it.

But puppies aren't allowed on the bed.

We always get on the bed, you can't stop us.

I could stop you, puppy.

I WONDER if you can stop me. Huh-huh-huh.

You're getting a little too surly. I'm going to have to send you to puppy obedience school.

Will they give us snacks?

They only give snacks to the good puppies and you've been a little too naughty lately.

What did I do?

Oh, I can't be mean to the puppy. I spoil you, puppy. But you're going to have to learn to fetch my slippers everyday to prove your handiness around the house.

You haven't any slippers.

Impudence! Well, you're just gonna have to learn to fetch my boots, then.

That won't be too hard.

Remember the time I took you out on your leash to that show? How did you feel?

I felt important. I had the best lady in the place. You wore your lady outfit. Severe and fancy dark dress. You were a naughty lady, you let me take licks from your martini.

[laughs...]

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Hear that Puppy Bark! She's not the ONLY dog with crooked teeth!

A Disturbing Footnote: The puppy is now a full grown mutt that has been put out on the highway and has been living a feral life, eating out of garbage cans and she's got fleas. She really regrets having peed on the carpet and misses her Lady so much she's a broken dog.

Back to the Dog House!

To the MAP!