growing up a girl child

not just some drunk
can't write for shit
with all this trip flown down
my high rise bulletproof prison mind
punch me harder
I feel nothing
I'm never enough
with all I have in my head
bled into a bowl
I serve up suppertime sweet
you push back yer chair
seek out the exit sign frantic
I camera critical encapsulate the face
you make all memorize all memorex
or is this live
I cradle the secret a disease
I never told into your immunity
your two immune eyes
fright
the never no never reply
have I dribbled so toddler onto the banquet
I'm sorry every time
walk away emptied out and barely breathing
the girls play doubles
I wallflower this dank bar
scratching hard to no admittance
several something never said
you'd all eject me erase me entire
clip the cloth-tagged earv of a creature unwelcome
instructions read
never remove what ever you felt
it's all okay, yeah, A-O-Kay, right.
so why I still know what it's like
to be the infected no one could touch
why is my gift proferred a betrayal
shredding the innocent grip of a friend
unblinking trust in me now flee
the scurvy dog I seem
weakness, anemia, spongy gums
swimming the drowning pool
swallowing water
every day in the schoolyard
kicking in the belly of the student
with her specs and pencils
sketching herself as a medieval boy
in a cage on wheels
whipped bloody by a bearded man
for the stolen thrown and crown
carried into slavery across the moat and thrown
so she won't have to live right now
in the defiled and tiny body of a girl child
throat cut and speaking with her hands
with her number two graphite tongue
every beating by a group of boys
adds metal to her chainmail suit
every beating by a group of men
weaves razorwire into her chainlink fence
she's smaller and quieter in big clothes
adult sizes extra large and heavy
she waits for the big yellow bus to hell
knock her down she never cries
kick in her ribcage to fracture her mind
shove her down she wordless stands
the stony island dirt comes crashing up
the earth tips over to slap her skull
her palms full of sand and blood
gather her words blown across the school yard
this is what I call growing up a girl
on Long Island, short and silent,
near-sighted and smart, smart where they punch her
and smart where they clobber her,
smart where their spit lands on her face
she wipes it off and silent stands
she hears her mother's voice say
Suzy, they're just jealous
Suzy, they're so unhappy
Suzy, their nouveau-riche parents beat them
Suzy, you're so lucky so try to understand
and so she tries to understand, but
she'd love to leave this corporeal prison
this fleshbound sentence and rise above, just drift apart
let her body collapse in the school yard
while she floats away
but for the grace of her baby sister
this one child would also be gone.

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ALL WRITING ©RAZOR 1999.

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