The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material.
The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material.
Self Mutilation
I sit here with not fear, but terror in my eyes, trembling.
I feel, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely.....
I even try to cry out, yet I do not,
because I not only hurt but ache from head to
toe, and am alone, alone, alone, alone, alone...
I feel as if pain and suffering are my only options
(there is no way out),
I am being weighed down , I have now been taken captive by anger, self-doubt and shame.
My captors are taking over, over, over, over...
There is no place for me to turn, I am dazed and confused.
Not understanding of others and somewhat myself...I am full of self-loathing and hatred.
Heartache and frailty sustain me.
Under constant vigilance, I falter, although, my faith remains unwavering.
I shall succeed, I will not succumb, give into my innermost feelings -
gnawing and tearing at my insides.
Surrender
Moving drifting slowly-partly away from some unknown-reality.
Deeper sinking, closer-still, to something more illusory than an delusion.
A dismal creepy, yet innocent feeling, something more sinister-twisted than I
have ever
felt, before.
It seems as if my stomach is contracting more and more, my eyes flutter and
my heart
falls as well as murmurs.
My mouth is partially incapacitated and I fear I cannot say, I cannot utter
such profane
words of nurture and caring, I love myself!
My body contorts and my muscles tighten, but, yet, I a woman as stubborn as
they
come... will not surrender, I will not give in.
The Admittance That I Have Contemplated Suicide
I want to die, but I am afraid of death.
Death, she beckons me (into her frail arms and long wispy gray hair)
Harken unto me! she cries, and I comply with mutilations and wailings.
I want to give in to her (it would be arduous for me not to),
I yearn for her, even though she makes me feel abashed and ashamed.
I try to accede, but she still tries to abduct me and carry me off by force.
The talk of her makes me aghast and uneasy (knowing that I cannot run away
from death
for much longer).
As long as I am with her I am surrounded by love.
Death takes all of my loneliness away and comforts me.
It feels great, that she loves me, so.
I welcome the contributions of others who self-harm or have done so in the past. Send us your writing, or arrange to send us your art or music by e-mailing RAZOR at zanne@cea.edu
|
Check out SCAR, a zine on the
subject of scars and self-harm. The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material. |
|
to CUTTERS, a
page on the subject of people who self-harm. The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material. |
|
to The History of Child Abuse |
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Contents Under
Pressure Razor's writing about experiences she had during a 13 year
bout with DSH and five times she was institutionalized. |
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to Leap Frogge Leap was locked up in mental institutions when she was a kid. Leap refers to them as "the Institutes." |