The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material.
The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material.
Blooming
Long, red fractal flowers lazily bloom in the hot bathwater
-I didn't do it too deep last night, see? but it bled nicely enough for past
purposes.
They've gotten deeper and deeper from the beginning, like a melody gaining
momentum.
Something I like almost against my nature.
I usually cry when I hurt people deeply.
Or when they hurt me.
But I just stared and smiled (if little uncertainly) at the cut I made
tonight.
I cut it deep this time, finally.
My desperate need eliminated all caution.
I'm so happy.
Pleased and amazed.
I finally did it - I didn't realize I wanted to prove it so much.
It looked so odd, the flesh so pale and bizarre before it burst with silent,
uncomplaining red roses,
-makes me feel just a little more sick than proud, like the time I threw a
knife at my brother
...and I was a little disappointed that I missed.
I'm dripping a wide stream of blood from that little deep slice in my belly.
Blood, no pain and I wish someone could see
what I've done to me and be so shocked without hating me,
just shocked
and
wonder why I did it.
-But never ask me
Because I don't really know.
I just keep looking back and thinking that it needs to look less clean,
ragged, painful. Something no ordinary person can or should see (but I wish
would appreciate); something that only I know about
a dark little secret I hold, like a cancer, in my mind.
Feel
Time... and by and by I die
I get to miss the feeling
Of knowing when I'm living life
And when I'm only breathing (reeling)
Morning light's become a curse
To figures dancing in my head
Hate a colored picture window
I find myself in, stained deep red.
Dancing love and hate contort
and smile
On me who wields the knife
It slides through my fingers, shining Like the gleaming hint of
broken life.
Carving my own delicious fate
In tender parts that still are real
War in love and peaceful hate
Are all the things I'm left to feel.
I welcome the contributions of others who self-harm or have done so in the past. Send us your writing, or arrange to send us your art or music by e-mailing RAZOR at zanne@cea.edu
|
Check out SCAR, a zine on the
subject of scars and self-harm. The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material. |
|
to CUTTERS, a
page on the subject of people who self-harm. The content of these pages may contain "triggering" material. |
|
to The History of Child Abuse |
|
Contents Under
Pressure Razor's writing about experiences she had during a 13 year
bout with DSH and five times she was institutionalized. |
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to Leap Frogge Leap was locked up in mental institutions when she was a kid. Leap refers to them as "the Institutes." |